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Last week I told you how well I was doing in all of my fantasy leagues. I even bragged a little about being undefeated in one of them. As you may have guessed… I got my ass waxed this past week.  I’m talking about losing by 40 or more points in three leagues and sputtering to a 38 point finish in one. Tebow’s dad sent me a little reminder about humility. He also sent one to an AFC quarterback on Monday night that we’ll get into in a minute.

The moral of the story here is simple – don’t be a real life fantasy asshole.

Here we go:

1. I had no idea that Brandon “ssss” Weeden is 40. He plays like it. He won the “Battle of Ohio” only because the Bengals didn’t want to claim the prize – Ohio.

2. There’s a reason the Giants and Jets don’t have a “Battle of New Jersey.”

2. Falcons fans (if there’s such a thing) need to be a little worried after that close call with the Raiders on Sunday. They almost didn’t make it to the toilet in time…

3. Brian Fartline wasn’t even given a chance to suck on Sunday when he was targeted only once resulting in a pass interference penalty. When one of my starting receivers posts a zero for the day I like to be able to at least bitch about him dropping a few easy ones. Fartline literally spent four hours on Sunday afternoon jogging in close proximity to 21 men playing football.

4. The Chiefs are so bad they’ve been demoted to “Deputy Secretary of Internal Indian Operations.” The top fantasy earner on their team was their defense who scored five points. Brady Quinn is shockingly still playing organized football and managed to throw the ball to the other team only twice in 38 tries. Better luck next time, kid.

5. Philip Rivers spent the first half of Monday’s night game celebrating like he’d just won the Super Bowl even though it was clear the Broncos were beating themselves a la the flashback scenes in “Fight Club.” Not one to simply cheer for himself and his team after a good play, he’s got to shit talk the other team and generally act like a complete dick. If there really was a Santa Claus he would have delivered this guy a kick in the bean bag every year while he was sleeping. He doesn’t have “friends” per  se – he has people who don’t readily want to punch his stupid face. He is simply the worst person in the NFL who hasn’t killed someone during the off-season.

I have to think Tebow was watching his behavior and called his dad to tattle on him. God was probably like “EFFF that guy” and referred to his trusty King James play book and found the 14th commandment that says “thou shall not celebrate like an asshole in the second quarter of a four quarter game.” We all know what happened next – the second half. It was like the Book of Revelation with a football theme was being broadcast to the ten of us who were still tuned into the game. The look on Rivers’ face during that second half affirmed to me that my life has been worth living.

6. Shonn Greene showed up this week. If you’re not familiar with him, he’s the guy who stands behind all the fat guys on the Jets’ offense who isn’t sleeping with Eva Longoria. He’s also the one that doesn’t suck. He’s also likely the better passer. Next he’ll be the guy who doesn’t get any carries because the Jets hate winning.

7. The Cowboys lost to the Ravens at the expense of Ray Lewis. I’d like to think we’re just that much closer to not having to see 500 idiotic Ray Lewis montages on Sundays. Clay Mathews – your time has arrived.

8. It took a while, but Aaron Rogers finally shed his title as the second best quarterback in Green Bay since Favre took his circus act on the road. Rogers’ six touchdowns were good for 38 fantasy points and a tie with Matt Flynn for the greatest game by a Packers’ quarterback ever. Favre is appealing his exclusion from the record stating that he once threw seven touchdowns in a game – three to his team and four to the other team.

9. For the record – Matt Flynn has taken a one year break from his quest to become Matt Cassell.

10. RGIII obviously doesn’t read this fantasy rant because he was out there on Sunday running around like a mad man. That 70 plus yard run was awesome and impressive. It was also a record.  However, I take nothing back I wrote last week.

11. RGIII’s record will not stand. I’m sure Tom Brady will break it since we’re about three weeks away from it being illegal to tackle him for any reason. Belichik’s loss to the Seahawks was a win-win for me. The Patriots lost and Welker and Brady put up good fantasy points. I can’t think of a better outcome.

12. Ray Rice and Beans returned to the fantasy winners list this week with 22 points on two TDs, one long reception and a very mild day on the ground. He was held to a total of 19 points the previous two weeks and owed his faithful owners something for their patience.

13. Arian Foster didn’t run very far, but he ran into the end zone twice and that’s all that counts.  Let’s hope he remains steady as his team takes a nose dive back to reality.

14. Jordy Nelson played like a white Steve Largent out there this week.

15. Things were shaky for the Cardinals when Kevin “corn on the” Kolb was at the helm and it only got worse when Skelton went in the game and pretended to be Tony Romo. You won’t remember their incredible start and you won’t be able to forget their awful finish. Kurt Warner’s name starts getting thrown around in 5…4…3…2…Did you know Kurt Warner was sacking groceries when… never mind.

16. Vick was running a special last week – he traded two INTs and a defensive coordinator for an embarrassing home loss.

17. Andrew Luck is not that good. He’s two interceptions and a fumble bad, actually.

18. Antonio Gates had 12 fantasy points going into Monday night and came out with 32 on the year. Before you get excited – it was against the Broncos’ defense who have a strict “do not cover their best offensive weapons” policy. Other teams might put a man on him, which may result in Gates running around alone in the secondary.

19. Byes this week: Falcons – drinks are on Turner. Broncos – Forehead Manning will get that red UFO looked at on that cliff face he calls a forehead. Chiefs – couldn’t come soon enough. Dolphins – Fartline can’t do any worse. Eagles – Watch out! You could be the future ex-defensive coordinator for the Eagles. Chargers – karma’s ass-kicking requires some recovery time.

20. Games to watch – Thursday night has 49ers and Seahawks doing it on the short. Ravens are going to destroy the Texans and we’re all going to realize that Ray Lewis wasn’t that good. Fat guy meets angry guy in New England for what promises to be a very lopsided affair – Tebow in by fourth quarter.