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Very mediocre weekend with not a lot of scoring. No, I’m not talking about being married, but I might as well be.  I’ve got some big items to get to so we’re going to make this a Chaz Bono – short on top and fat in the middle. (Second Chaz Bono reference of the year – the impossible has become possible – thank you Chessus Christ.)

Hit it:

1. I actually generated a comment this week and it ended in a challenge.  Let’s see what our commenter had to say:

Yo Redneck,

i will take you up on your Tebow hating rant.  If Denver loses to the Chiefs you get Colorado Goodies and smear Tebow all you want.  If i win, you can’t utter Tebow in these Rants ever again. Let me know.


Okay, we’ve got a lot of things to cover here.  First of all my name isn’t “Redneck;” that’s just what the nice folks at FamousDC post my shit under.  I have made it quite clear that my name is “Brad Kanus” – please respect that by calling me “Brad K. Anus” whenever possible.

Second, you can’t call yourself “J-Rod.”  There are two requirements for obtaining a “-Rod” name.

  1. Your last name is “Rodriguez.”
  2. You are really good at a sport that is played professionally in front of millions of adoring American fans… which means soccer does not qualify.

You may very well be a “Rodriguez,” but I’m sure you don’t play professional anything.  Hell, you might only be mediocre at Madden 12 for all I know.  No matter what, you have no standing to name yourself “J-Rod” – that’s a five yard penalty, repeat first down.  If you want to be clever, sign your comments “The guy who calls you ‘My Bitch.’”

I wish I could take your bet, but I can’t.  The high standards of journalism placed upon those of us lucky enough to write for FamousDC (they’ll take anything from anyone as long it’s somewhat about DC, doesn’t include the word “douche,” and doesn’t falsely accuse a member of congress of a crime; case in point: if your bugged-eyed six-year-old niece can scribble “DC rocks!” on a napkin from Cap Grill – she’s in) precludes me from ignoring stories like Tim Tebow and his meteoric rise to failure.  Disallowing me from mentioning Tim Tebow is like taking away Internet Political Expert Guy’s (IPEG) ability to mention Ron Paul – it’s integral to our very existence even if it’s meaningless bullshit.

I know you sent that comment before Saturday’s epic fail and wish you could take it back now.  I’m going to have pity on you and not take the bet.  As much as I would love for you to send me some Coors and Keystone Light (Colorado goodies I assume) I cannot risk the integrity of the Fantasy Football Rant on a silly bet.

Please accept the two signed pictures from my recent colonoscopy I sent as a token of my gratitude for your interest in the weekly Fantasy Football Rant.

2. Speaking of Tebow… Christmas Eve’s meltdown by Tebow had shades of Governor Perry trying to remember which three federal agencies he hated most.  Two devout Christians looking completely lost in front of large crowds signaling the point in which reaching their respective goals became impossible.  I cried a little after witnessing both – but that’s what happens you’ve been laughing that hard for that long.  One more interception and I would have peed a little.

Seriously – that was the worst football I have ever seen and I’ve attended a University of Texas El Paso football game.

I now declare Tim Tebow’s career dead.  He’ll play the last game of the season against the Kansas Shitty Chiefs and Kyle Orton and that will be the last time he’ll step foot on a field as a starter.  I will write his obituary next week.  It’ll be a bestseller.

3. File this under “Why the Last Games of the Season Suck for Fantasy Owners” – at a minimum you know that Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees will be sitting on the bench this weekend and their duties will include plotting the Gatorade attack on the coach and checking the dinner invite list to make sure no practice squad guys are on it.  Rodgers may also be responsible for brushing Clay Mathew’s hair in between possessions.

I hate this time of year because the guys who got you to the finals are now sitting on the bench on purpose.  Is there no thought given to what I have at stake here?  Well, as you know – I suck and having nothing at stake, but maybe you do.

Your team captain might be riding the pine – plan accordingly.

4.  Adrian Peterson – proving it’s better to burn out than fade away.  You’ll never be the same nor will we.  I hope you talk about football as good as you play it, because that’s the only connection you might have left with the game.

5.  Cam Newton.  I hate to say “I told you so,” so I’ll just remind you that I said he was a “fluke” at the beginning of the season, which means I can’t say “I told you so.”

6. Top five fantasy earners so far?  Rogers, Brees, Newton, Brady and Stafford.  Go ahead and take ten straight RBs next year and see if I care.

7. Joe Webb of the Minnesota Vikings is worth mentioning in the rant this week.  Joe is known more for being married to the eight-legged woman who saved Wilbur from the butcher than he is for playing football (if you’re a dude and you don’t have kids and you got that – come out of the closet and live your life being the real you).  Webb took the reigns once Sister Christian Ponder left the game with a broken head and went 4-5 with two TDs and ran for a score as well.  If I read his stats right – and God knows I’m probably not – he touched the ball ten times on Saturday and scored three of those times… which is pretty damn awesome when you consider that Brady touched the ball 55 times and only had three scores.  Had Webb touched the ball as often as Brady he would have had 15 TDs… because that’s how I do math and you can’t argue with it.

8. Brandon Jacobs tells Rex Ryan “It’s time to shut up, fat boy” and nobody saw the irony in it.  Besides the whole football thing and Jacobs playing like a fat lazy donkey most of the time, there’s a story here.  Fat people (like me) are under attack nationwide and we don’t need to go around calling each other “fat” where others can hear it. What’s worse is that happened on the heels of the fatty fat fats losing an icon to Weight Watchers last week. Charles Barkley turned in his buffet spoon and went skinny… and he did it for the money, which makes him the worst kind of sell out possible.  He’s the Green Day of the fat world.

9. C.J. Spiller and the Bills Defense were worth 52 points combined this week.  The defense was a result of playing Tebow, so don’t rush out and pick them up with Tom Brady and his pack of badass nobodies coming to town.  Do make sure Spiller is starting since Tom Brady doesn’t play defense for the Pats and it shows.

10. Here’s some real advice that you shouldn’t take because I’m a bonafide fantasy idiot… If you are afraid your QB is going to be sat out in the last game of the season (even though the Eagles are out of it, they aren’t going to risk Vick getting hurt for nothing) and don’t want to chance it, here are a few guys you should consider picking up and why:

Carson Palmer –  He’s playing for his life against an iffy Chargers defense.

Dan Orlovsky – He has the Jags and he’s not all that bad – just ask Houston.

Josh McCown – The Vikings have a good defensive line, but with Peterson gone they’ll be on the field a lot. That’s means they’ll be tired at some point and McCown can take advantage.

Kyle Orton – He’s playing Denver and they cut him in order to make room for the Prodigal Son.  To say this matchup is a “good vs. evil” showdown is an understatement.  Next week we’ll either continue Tebowing or we will be growing Neck Beards and it’s all in Orton’s hands.  I’ve already thrown my razor out – that’s how confident I am.

11. Last item – Texas A&M and Mizzou now know their schedules for next season in SEC play.  Neither team will win a single game.  Those little yearly gatherings against Texas and OU are going to seem like a pre-season scrimmages compared to the relentless ass-whoopings to be bestowed upon both of these two former Big 12 teams.  They are going to be pounded like drums at an Occupied park.