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Ravens

You guys are going to have to deal with the fact that I had to write this in less than an hour because I have stuff to do re: Jesus’ birthday. Even chumps like me get vacation.  When you gotta go, you gotta go. Let’s get to it:

1. If you’re a Tebow fan you might want to skip to the next item – I’m about to clip your boy’s wings and his plummet back to earth may sting a bit.

We’re all God’s children.  Tim Tebow just happens to be one of his kids that takes the short bus to football practice.  Actually, comparing Tebow’s play on Sunday to that of a developmentally-challenged person is an insult to developmentally-challenged people.  They may only be able to count to potato, but they sure as hell know better than to run 30 yards in the wrong direction and take a sack.  My wife chose a single word to describe Tebow’s play: “silly.”  Tebow was so bad he rendered my wife unable to cuss… I don’t think either of us thought that was possible.

All of a sudden there are a lot of open seats on the Tebow bandwagon today.  It seems that once he’s faced with a team not plagued by injuries or coached by a mental midget that he’s pretty much useless.  I think Belichik let them have the two first quarter touchdowns as kind of a “I’ll give you the first punch” gesture often given by the guy who knows he’s about to whip someone’s ass without breaking a sweat.  Denver was outplayed on both sides of the ball.  If the Broncos make the playoffs they’ll be beaten like a female protester in Cairo.

Farewell Tebow, it was annoying while it lasted.

2. I hate the Patriots.  I hate them a lot.  And that’s what makes what I’m about to write rather difficult.  They’re unstoppable on offense.  On every play there’s someone wide-f*cking-open.  There’s always somebody literally standing around playing with rocks in the dirt with not a single defender in sight.  I don’t understand it and I spent every play of their game yesterday screaming “HE’S W-F-O! SOMEBODY COVER HIM!”

You see, I can’t say “wide-f*cking-open” because my wife and I had a kid about 15 months ago and it parrots back whatever we say (I could’ve bought an actual parrot and saved a shit ton of money, but economics has never been my strong suit) and won’t stop until it either passes out or needs to eat (I’ve learned that sometimes the passing out is an indication of the latter).  I’m not sure the lack of swearing is working because my wife came into the living room and asked why the fridge was open and the kid said “Dada left it WFO.  Fuck’n Tebow.”

Who has two thumbs and can’t play playstion for a month?  Me.

3. Kyle Orton, Professor Emeritus of the Neckbeard Institute, beat the only unbeaten team in the NFL with what can only be described as a junior varsity squad of misfits and outcasts.  Aaron Rogers and Kyle Orton entered the field of battle and Orton won.  If you know your recent football history, Orton almost always wins that battle.  But hey, you just keep telling yourself that Captain Neckbeard is just a “good back up” and he’ll keep winning games and refusing to grow hair above his jaw line.  In two weeks Orton goes to Denver to end their playoff hopes in what will be the biggest “told you so” since it was revealed that Kim Kardashian’s marriage was a sham.

4.  Since we’re talking about Kim’s love life, we ought to mention Reggie Bush.  He had 25 carries for 203 yards and a TD.  I remember when the only fantasy pertaining to Bush was the one where he was a good football player… sometimes dreams do come true.

5. I bet on C.J. Spiller again this week and he came through big.  Almost 200 yards of total offense and two touchdowns garnered 28 fantasy points and locked me into the championship game of the losers’ bracket, aka Division II fantasy football.

A Valdosta State grad just got pissed after reading that… hate mail goes to [email protected]

6.  Bet you didn’t know this – Joe Flacco played behind Tyler Palko at Pitt… And I’m not sure I’d change the depth chart if that was a team I had today.

7.  Vick owners must have been throwing shit at the TV after Andy Reid pulled him late in the game.  Of all the players on all the teams you’d think would be pulled early during a late season game, Vick and the Eagles weren’t on that list.  Oddly, there’s an outside chance the Eagles make the playoffs.

8. The Texans need to start freaking the hell out right now.  The Panthers have a good offense led by hands down the rookie of the decade – Cam Newton.  However, they have a losing record because they’re easier to score on than your sister.  Maybe they need to put “T.J.” down for a nap and let Old Man Garcia work some Canadian Football League magic for the adoring crowds of fatties in Houston (I totally have a license to write that because my wife is from Houston)(and no, she’s not fat… she’s just easy to see from a distance).

9.  Lesser Manning sucks… this week.  Next week?  Who knows?  The NFC East is a mess that I can’t stop watching.

10. I totally told you to start the Seahawks Defense and you totally ignored me and I was totally right.  I’m awesome, you’re not – shut up and go back to work doing whatever it is that you do and leave the fantasy forecast to the experts.

11. I had the Seahawks on the bench this week because even I think I’m full of shit.

12. John “Helter” Skelton is 5-1… I can not explain it and I shall not try.

13. The Bears made a terrible decision not snapping up McNabb.  Chicago is another championshipless season away from being Detroit.

14. Speaking of Detriot… I may have been wrong about them.  Calvin Johnson averaged 20+ per catch and was so clutch that Kate Spade is going to name a small purse after him (that’s for you domnicella – perhaps the only one who got that and it was brilliant).

15. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger is showing some of the late season brilliance only he can conjure.  Key stat – three INTs… Your terrible towel has a brown stain on it and I think it got there when your quarterback shit the bed in front of God and everyone else last night.  I wouldn’t book any rooms in Indianapolis unless you’re planning on watching cars speed around a track.

16. Remember that we have a Thursday game – Colts vs Texans and I’m taking the Colts by 50 unless they put in Garcia.  Also, EVERYBODY PLAYS ON SATURDAY!  Don’t screw around thinking you have until Sunday to make moves – it’s Saturday.  I don’t care if there is one game on Sunday, if you’re ready on Saturday, you’ll be fine.

Good luck and have a great holiday.  Remember, we were one game away from renaming Christmas – “Tebowmas.”  What a fucking mess that would’ve been.