We have a big announcement this week here in Fantasy Rant Land. Due to the fact I went to a state school, I’m 45 percent illiterate. So we have an editor now and her name is Meg. While we’re not sure if she throws like a girl, we do know that she is smart, funny and knows how to clean up my words so they make some sense – emphasis on “some.” Looking for entertainment on twitter? Follow her @domnicella (we don’t know what it means either, which means it’s probably something “cultured” people know and damn anyone if we’re going to live our life in a petri dish).
Let’s get to it.
1. Chris Johnson – I quit you.
2. DeAngelo Willaims – I never started you.
3. Before you put Lesser Manning’s face on the dollar bill, do realize that if it weren’t for a nameless, faceless and more than likely now jobless Patriot defensive back blindly running into his targeted receiver with time running out, he’d be just another asshole who threw two TDs and one interception in a tough road loss. All I heard was “Shades of the 2007 Super Bowl” on Sunday night and it’s total bullshit. A couple of long pass plays developed because the Patriots were in a typical two-minute “don’t let anything behind you” defense. The Giants didn’t win, the Patriots lost. And if that makes sense to you… stop drinking at work.
4. I’m not a Patriots fan. I’m actually ecstatic that they lost two in a row. Tom Brady is literally better than me in every aspect of life save for the fact that I have never lost two in a row with one being in front of the home crowd on the last tolerable day of the season to play football in the godforsaken place on earth that is New England in the wintertime. Plus, Tom Brady can’t get away with writing a sentence that long.
5. Fantasy Fact #1 – Vincent Jackson has pretty much sucked since week two. He was the top fantasy earner this week, but that isn’t going to get him out of the dog house… Wait. What? He’s in the top 10 so far this season for receivers? That’s how bad things are for people not named “Welker” or “Calvin Johnson?” Jackson has only hit double-digits three times in eight games – far from great. If any idiot ever tells you to do anything but draft 15 straight RBs, ignore him.
6. St. Louis and Arizona meet in a… who cares. They could have retired Matt Leinart’s number and nobody would have even known.
7. A few words on Tim Tebow. Everybody goes around mocking Jesus’ football representative and you see what happens – Willis McGahee goes walkabout all over the pathetic Raiders defense. Tebow managed 23 points in the stunning upset… He was 10-21 for 124 yards with two TDs. Of the ten passes he completed, I’m pretty sure eight of them were shovel passes that went nowhere. The other two were touchdowns to wide open receivers. His pass to Decker for the first touchdown could have been made by my mother. The more important fact here is that the 11 passes that were not completed looked like they were thrown by… my mother. Wrap your head around that.
What I’m trying to say here is that it’s not what it seems and it can’t keep happening. Had the Raiders of Oakland spent a minute “occupying” their containment assignments, the game would have been much closer and Tebow’s fantasy points much more believable. Instead we have another week of this Tebow shit.
8. Wholio? Jones became “Julio Jones” in front of our eyes on Sunday. Who am I kidding – it was the Falcons versus the Bucs and it was watched in roughly seven households in the greater Atlanta area. In reality he became Julio Jones in front of our eyes in scoring updates given during games people were actually watching.
Somewhere in here there’s an Atlanta/Julio Franco joke, I just can’t find it. And if you know who Julio Franco is/was – how are your thirties treating you? I’m sorry, did that sting?
9. Is it just me or does it seem like they need to turn on the lights in the Falcons’ stadium (Georgia Dome)? Same thing with Minnesota (not called the “Minnesota Dome”). There’s something about the lighting in those stadiums that makes their games seem so glum. It’s hard to watch on TV because it reminds you of a poorly lit cubicle (like the one you are sitting in now)(settle down, there’s no shame in your game, just not a whole lot of natural light in it, unless you count the only beer you can afford).
10. Reggie Bush had 20 fantasy points… Talk about Peacocking for Kim.
11. DeSean “Capitalization Isn’t Needed for Emphasis” Jackson had an interesting day. He followed up his three-point and four-point performances after the Eagles’ bye week with a doughnut hole. Not only did he leave fantasy owners in a lurch, he basically lost the game for his team. LeSean “Capitalization Isn’t Needed for Emphasis” McCoy continued making fantasy owners happy with another double-digit game. Good for him.
12. Fantasy Football Fact #2 – It’s a two-way race for the top tight end this season and it’s between a guy you’ve never heard of and guy you’ve never heard of until he started posing for pictures with porn stars. The porn star – I’m sure you guys all know her by name if not by other, shall we say, “identifiers.” That’s right – Jimmy Graham of the Saints and Rob Gronkowski of the Pats are battling it out for top TE. Graham’s stock has gone down in the past two weeks while Gronkowski is becoming Brady’s favorite non-midget target.
13. Andy Dalton of the Bengals has a winning record so far with six wins under is belt as a rookie. He also has freakishly red hair. He has to face the Steelers and the Ravens two times apiece before the end of the season.
14. Matt “I’ve Got” Moore fantasy points than you could ever imagine put on a show in KC this weekend. I’m pretty sure there were only two kinds of people who started this guy – those who are in 16-team leagues and his little brother.
15. Sometimes my wife is funny (most of the time she is not). She wandered into the room while FOX was showing the post-game locker room scene from the Dolphins’ win over the Chiefs. I guess she’d never heard of coach Sparano and his signature glasses, because she thought it was a goofy promo for Weekend at Bernie’s. Although I think he looks like any one of guys who did the “Da’ Bears” skit on SNL.
16. The Bills suck. I told you so. Niagara Falls is still the only thing worth seeing in that part of the country. Take everyone on the Bills off your fantasy team right now. Do not let Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson stick you with single-digits for the next three weeks going into the playoffs. Remind me to tell you hard-headed turds “I told you so” three weeks from now.
17. The Redskins are changing conferences – the ACC accepted their application this week.
18. Ravens – seriously? Who are you? Figure it out and let us know.
19. No byes this week. Thursday game – so don’t forget that you need to move your team around to ensure total failure BEFORE Thursday evening. It’s Oakland vs. San Diego on the NFL network – read: you have to go to a bar to see this one.
20. I love Alabama – they’re calling for Nick Saban’s resignation after the loss to the LSU Felons (are they training their students to be future LA governors?). I’m an unbiased observer who totally thinks that ball was wrestled from that receiver’s arms after he completed the pass and was down. Tie has to go to the runner in that situation. Overall, that was a lot time to invest in a game where not much happened.